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Szimonisz and Szimonisz

This is what happens when you pick a
pseudonym that belongs to a family of 10.

These are all real e-mails to and from Cruzman Szimonisz of this site.
Don't these guys have jobs?  Over 2000 words in one day on this subject.

4/30/02, 12:44 a.m. - Another Szimonisz has some words

Hey Johnston, I have a bone to pick with you. 

Apparently there's some lunatic down there in San Diego, masquerading on your internet website as ME. 

I'm a veteran TV weather reporter with a strong reputation (and a 53% accuracy rating) over a 20 year career in meteorology, and I cannot have my name appended to the gibbering rants of a madman, and broadcast across the planet on the World Wide Web. 

Who authorized this whole goddamn Web thing, anyway? Somebody in Washington, no doubt. 

Imagine my furious surprise, when I typed my name into a Google search engine (to see if WMIT had taken me off their internet website--since I was so summarily dismissed from their employ), and instead, came across this kook, besmirching my good name with post-bong-hit, pre-menopausal angst. 

My professional credibility is as stake and just because I happen to be somewhere between gigs, doesnít mean I donít have a one hell of a lawyer (in Greely, CO) that wouldnít like to take some So Cal dotcom millionaire like yourself to court. (If I could pry his chubby fucking fingers off that cold can of Bud and unwedge his lawyerly ass from the golfcart. Which I WILL.) That's right Johnston, my lawyer found your expansive ring of internet websites and I can smell the cash from Denver. 

My forecast for you, Johnston? 100% stormy. Take care of that Cruzman kid quick, unless you want to lose the house, the yacht, the helicopter--all of it. 

Hell, I guess I didn't miss out on the dotcom boom afterall! 

Yours angrily, 

Cruzman Szimonisz, AMS

4/30/02, 7:13 a.m. - Cruzman's reply (being late for work and all)


Funny. You know if you change your name to John Smith, you would have fodder for a lot more letters. 


4/30/02, 12:53 p.m. - The other Szimonisz is nonplussed

T.C. Johnston, Esq. 

Changing my name is not the issue, my computer-savvy young friend. What I want to know, is where the hell you came across a preposterous Hungarian/Romanian peasant handle like Szimonisz? If you write journals you hope nobody will come across on the World Wide Web (assuming there's a supra-logical reason beyond the comprehension of my dim-witted mind to do something like that) why would you sign off with a palindromic nightmare like Szimonisz, that belongs to about 10 people on Earth, who are going to find your top secret journal the next time they type their name into one of these Google internet search engine contraptions and wonder who in Godís name wrote it? 

Hell, my drunk lawyer got more sense than that, and he lost two fingers in a golf cart accident last week. 

If you took your own advice and used "John Smith" on your diary entries, the average Google search gives you 9,567,123,432,653 matches. Doubtful anybody would come across your personalized and pithy ramblings. A "Szimonisz" Google on the other hand nets you about six. 

Maybe you can enlighten me Johnston, on the machinations of the sun-baked mind of a So Cal dotcom millionaire.

 Tell me where you heard my name and maybe Iíll reign in the dogs of war. (Believe you me, theyíre already sniffing at your coffers.) Maybe you're just an over zealous fan of my weather reports?..Funnier things have happened.

Lucky for you, I donít know if I got the stomach for a protracted legal battle right now. Hell, I can barely manage a trip to the market without suffering some sort of heart palpitation and a rageful screaming match with some kid on rollerskates. 

Yours vindictively, 

Cruzman Szimonisz, AMS 

P.S. Forecast for today? 100% shit storm.

4/30/02, 5:03 p.m. - Cruzman is annoyed ... thinking it's Mr. Poopy Head returned

Dear Mr. Szimonisz: 

Nice to see you've returned. It has been over a year since we last heard from you. I had a pretty-funny dissection of your fallacious logic in mind for a response. But my time is simply worth more than that. You've got a one-track rant in which I have lost all interest. You'll have to be content to shout into the abyss this time. Try writing your own replies and sending them to yourself ... it's almost as fun. 


4/30/02, 5:57 p.m. - The Szimonisz has an agenda, though

So that's the way it aren't going to spill... 

You're eager enough to blabber all over dozens of whacky internet web-site pages, but when old CS asks you a simple question about your acquisition of his family name and it's a No Go...interesting... 


4/30/02, 6:33 p.m. - Cruzman feels apologetic

Dude, lay off the threats. They're off-putting and we both know without foundation. Maybe your drunken eight-fingered lawyer would take the case, but he would be out of this jurisdiction, practicing without a license, committing multiple ethical and legal violations, and building a malicious prosecution suit against both of you. That's no fun. 

Now I apologize for not answering your simple question. I fully intended to but was under a time crunch and forgot. Because of that, I respond. I will qualify, however, by noting that I don't believe for a moment that your name is Cruzman Szimonisz, although it's entirely possible in this country that there was a union among persons of Eastern European and Mexican descent. 

The answer: Szimonisz was a surname that appeared in the credits of some documentary (can't remember what) on a rented DVD. We thought it looked cool, and was probably pronounced like the car wax. We thought it was fake. A little research on the ol' internet and ... Viola! It's a real name! So, add a Latino surname to the front (San Diego, after all, where everything has a Mexi/Latino flavor), and there you have it. No big deal. 

So, that said, maybe a little quid pro quo: You know who I am; I have your IP address. So who are you really? It's only one simple question, as you note in your last letter. 


4/30/02, 8:12 p.m. - Radical change of tone for Szimonisz ... no, not Mr. Poopy Head at all ...

Are you kidding me? I thought you were a friend of my brothers. his friend/co-bandmember Todd moved from Portland to SD a few years ago. we used to hang and i was just screwing with him. i really apologize.

There are literally 10 szimoniszes on the planet, and if you donít know somebody in my immediate family, you probably donít know the name most likely. so when i found your site I figured you were him. i was trying to make him mention my brother, so i could try to convince him i was his demented uncle cruzman in Colorado. (of course there isn't really one.)

I e-mailed my brother last night to ask him Todd's last name--i'd forgotten it. I hadn't heard back so was just messing around with you (thinking it was him).

Sorry about the confusion.

Big A-hole + struggling writer + procrastinating on screenplay = harass poor bastards on internet

Seriously apologize. Very random. No more. iMac going out the window.

What movie did you see the name on?!

I indeed deserve to go to hell,

Greg Szimonisz

4/30/02, 9:41 p.m. - Cruzman still not sure, however


Pardon my cynicism. Either you are now telling the truth, and it's fucking hilarious ... or your are making all this up as well, which is equally fucking hilarious.

Anyway, Greg (if that's your real name), you have my attention. Now: why the journal thing? Because I used to do that as a "Big A-hole + struggling writer + procrastinating on screenplay." I let it go. It has been years since I really just typed as fast as possible. Catharsis. Good for the brain. Ideas spring forth as if from elsewhere.

See, I thought you were Mr. Poopy Head. He's a character who showed up about a year ago when the kids at Belen Middle School, Belen, NM started threatening each other on my site. The whole thing got too much exposure, and is explained on at "Free Speech in New Mexico." Mr. Poopy Head (as we call him) started posing as me and my friends, and our various alter egos, and was really funny, albiet a bit annoying. He spoke of etherial "dotcom millionaires" as did you, although with a more ... unrefined ... writing style.

If you are he, then you have learned much, Grasshopper. If not, then the page is worth checking out ... Wild.

If you are really Greg Szimonisz, then the irony flows thick as ... well, blood. Imagine the battling Cruzman Szimoniszes! The evil uncle Cruzman and the random web Cruzman. One in black, the other in ... black. That is the preferred interpretation, although I may have been duped by thinking so.

As to the Movie?: Don't recall, but I do remember that the Szimonisz I saw was on a credit for a special feature to a feature film. I watch A LOT of movies, so it's safe to say I'll never remember. Hey, ask a relative.


Cruzman Szimonisz, CEO

4/30/02, 10:30 p.m. - Szimonisz sizes it up

TC Johnston, Esq. 

I'm the one that should be cynical. i can't believe anybody saw my name on the end of a DVD supplementary movie and thought it was so surreal that they took note and haphazardly used it on their website journal. that's hilarious.

if it was a DVD thing, it was probably a short documentary on the end of Quills that i edited, about the production designer.

A. I can't believe you actually watched the documentary about the Prod Designer, and B. I can't believe you watched the credits. But alas, there is no other explanation I can come up with.

yeah--the whole middle-school name calling thing is what google actually found first, (TRACY LOPEZ, YOU ARE A FAT HORE!!) and I thought maybe it was my cousin using a nickname (he's a lot younger than me--just started high school) in VA. then, i found your journal and was completely fucking boggled, because heís not a lawyer and he doesnít chain smoke. good god. what a bizarre thing. gotta love the internet.

I was wondering, how did those kids in NM find your website anyway? it turned into kind of a legal hassle? i'll have to go check that out again.

stalk you later,

Greg S

4/30/02, 10:45 p.m. - Cruzman has a heart attack and sums

I'll have more on this subject later. Gotta sleep. Right now all I can say is, Oh My Fucking God. I did see Quills, I do watch the special features, and I ALWAYS watch the credits (You deserve it, you know.) And the Quills thing is too Obscure for you to be making it up. 

Not so cynical now. ...


An afterthought:

I'll also note ... this is now a story that can be double checked. Thanks to netflix. ...


The Ultimate Irony?  Simple.

GS pretended to be a person whose name was ripped-off by me, and ultimately turned out to be the actual person whose name I ripped.
Does that rock or what?