What Would Bejeezus Do?

If Heaven is full of people like you, I don't want to go!

Main Entry: beˇjeˇsus
Variant(s): also beˇjeeˇzus /bi-'jE-z&s, -'jA-, -z&z/
Function: interjection
Etymology: alteration of by Jesus
Date: circa 1908
-- used as a mild oath; used as a noun for emphasis <scares the bejesus out of me>

- Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

Now, we don't want step on anyone's First Amendment rights to religious freedom.  We will be exploring the very issue at www.FirstFuckingAmendment.com.  But . . . well . . . if you try to shove your particular religious views in our face, we just gotta shove back.  See, neither we nor Bejeezus have the temperament for fundamentalist hypocrites who prattle ad infinitum about being Saved.  A wise, just, and kind God will not require us to spend Eternity with you.  That would, truly, be Hell.

. . . But this page is not about that.  It's about what Bejeezus would do in common situations.  When they ask, "What would Jesus do?"  it's a rhetorical question.  When we ask what Bejeezus would do, it's a practical primer!  Let's begin.

Scenario #1
You get invited to a rad party at an old friend's house; but due to a fated mixup, your friend invites your ex, who shows up looking as fine as ever.

Get incredibly drunk and puke in the friend's fish tank.

Scenario #2
You are at a restaurant and the jerk at the table next to you spends the entire time yacking on his cell phone.

Take your fork and stick it in his neck.

Scenario #3
You find out your friend is cheating on his wife, also your friend.

Keep it to yourself.  But every time you're out with your friend, use it against him.  Get him to buy you lunch and pay for your drinks.  Just say, "Dude, you owe me."

Scenario #4
Mail is delivered to your house that belongs to the cranky old lady next door.  When you try to give it to her she yells at you and brandishes her cane, then mutters about the "hoodlum kids."

Say, "Maybe this will help."  Then piss on her flowers.

Scenario #5
You have just located a space in a parking lot/garage, and as you attempt to pull in, this asshole in a Jaguar squeezes into your spot.

Pull your car to a stop, behind the Jaguar.  Quietly exit the vehicle, retrieve your tire jack, then calmly lean against the side of your vehicle holding the jack, and smile.  When the driver asks what you are doing, continue to smile and say, "Nothing."

Just remember:  If it doesn't sound like vengeance, Bejeezus wouldn't bother.


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