In San Diego, Agent
Smith has had just about enough of that stupid baby panda bear.
Key words: "just
about enough."
Agent Smith won't
truly have had enough until he utters that plaintive (paraphrased)
line from Oliver Twist, "More, please," and
is told that there simply isn't any more baby panda to be had
...
NEW!Panda-Mation,
the Worst Panda Animation on the Web!
Panda Stack-Ups
(An appetizer)
Servings: 30 Stack-Ups
3 ounce package cream cheese
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 teaspoons chopped chives
dash hot pepper sauce
25 thin slices Panda
Blend softened cheese, mayonnaise, chives and hot pepper sauce. Make 5 stacks of
Panda slices; spread cheese mixture between slices. Chill. Cut each stack into 6
equal Wedges. Serve on cocktail picks.
Agent Smith's Hibachi Panda
You don't have to go to Benihana to enjoy the
mouth-watering taste of Hibachi-style cooking! SeeUinHell.com brings the cutting
edge of Pacific Rim Cuisine to your kitchen with this delightful Panda Recipe!
4 - 5 oz. Panda Sirloin Steaks (n.b. - smaller cuts
may be substituted if
larger Panda steaks are unavailable in your area)
4 tsp. Soybean Oil
8 Large Mushrooms - Sliced thick
4 dashes Salt
4 dashes Black Pepper
Broil steaks until rare - do not overcook! Heat nonstick
skillet and add oil to heated skillet. While skillet is warming, cut Panda
steaks into one-inch cubes. Place Panda steak cubes in skillet with mushrooms
and cook until done to taste, stirring occasionally. Season with salt and pepper
if desired and serve hot with mustard dipping sauce.
Agent Smith
(left) and Skeeky Webo, Jr.
bagged this black-and-white in the Ocotillo desert in Imperial County,
CA in early 1993.
They have never been able to adequately explain what a
Giant Panda was doing in the desert at that time of year, but they were
pretty thrilled to have tracked it down.
Mr. Webo will admit to being a little over-exuberant that
day; the twelve-gauge was probably
not the best choice of club. But, Agent Smith -- always sterling
when he wields his Mini-14 assault rifle -- took the menacing
pseudo-marsupial down with only one 25-round magazine.
With the help of some wonderful tools by Makita, and the strong electro-magnet Agent Smith keeps in his trunk, the meat
was rendered palatable. Guaranteed! It does not taste like chicken!
Pandas love marijuana! All
you have to do is find some of those nice green, leafy plants that some
dumb kid ripped from his neighbor's back yard and then tried to sell to
you because he thought you looked "cool" (meaning -- at least
in our case -- that you are in your thirties, wear facial hair and/or
have a tattoo, and seem like a nice person and are pretty hip ...
despite the fact that you might be a cop or a lawyer or something).
After you have purchased the totally useless weed (or
convinced the kid just to turn it over to you, if you are really
enterprising), feed it to your intended Panda victim and watch the fun
start. (Please keep in mind that possession of even really useless
marijuana is still illegal almost everywhere, especially if you are
using it to kill a Panda.)
Your Panda will soon start rambling incoherently about
something it thinks looks "sooo intense." Then it will
go on and on and on about bamboo until you never want to hear the word
again. Do not
patronize it or goad it on -- that will only make things worse.
Then
your panda victim will get very, very
thirsty. All you do is grab it at its water source. It will
think you are joking at first, but then the reality will begin to creep
in. Be prepared to dispatch the Panda at that time.
The good old-fashioned ball-peen hammer to the skull works well if you are not adept
at firearms (and it's a great way to repeat the experiment that led to
the invention of electro-shock treatment ... more on that later).
