Sarah Hughes Takes Gold – Omigod!
The ditzy, giggly 16 year-old took a gold medal in figure skating yesterday. Great, now she’s going to be all over my giant TV for the next four years.

posted by Skeeky at 10:10 AM

Understatement of the Day
After a retired New Jersey cop shot and killed four neighbors, acquaintances commented that he has exhibited some behavioral problems.

posted by Skeeky at 10:08 AM

Thursday, February 21, 2002

WTC Survivor Released Today
A poignant ceremony was held today for a WTC burn victim's release from the hospital. He said the first thing he wanted to do is get a Slurpee. Duh! Something cold, something wet.
posted by Skeeky at 7:47 AM

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Vernacular Mantras Suck
No disrespect – “Let’s Roll” is perfectly adequate as an expression, but as a national mantra it sucks. How about something like “Unilateral Action Now, Cultural Imperialism Always.”

Oh, and Mr. Bush, you’ve managed to take a versatile word like “evil” and suck all the life out of it. Now it's useless for alternative emoting. You suck too.
posted by Skeeky at 1:18 PM

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

Wedding’s Off, Loser
At a wedding in Thailand the groom suddenly claimed to have forgotten the dowry and ran off, after which he told the police he was robbed. It was all fabrication. The groom was in reality broke and the wedding didn’t happen. What happened to marrying for love, bitch? If you’re looking to find a guy who isn’t a broke, loser, liar who engages in artifice, you’re gonna die single.

posted by Skeeky at 4:13 PM

Monday, February 18, 2002

Crematorium Outrage: So then, what was in the urns?
Nearly 200 unburied bodies are believed to be hidden in sheds and strewn about the property of a crematorium near Nobel, Georgia. Ray Brent Marsh, the crematory’s operator, was arrested this Sunday on charges of theft by deception. When asked whether it wouldn’t have been easier just to cremate the bodies, Marsh replied, “Yeah, probably. But cremation creeps me out.”

posted by Skeeky at 9:43 AM

Sunday, February 17, 2002

So It's Not News . . . So What?


posted by Skeeky at 11:21 AM

Friday, February 15, 2002

Olympic Figure Skating: Everyone’s a Winner!
CNN.com - Canadian skaters get gold; judge suspended
The International Olympic Committee determined today to award the gold medal for pairs figure skating to the Canadian pair, who originally got the silver in this week’s Olympic scandal. The Russian pair, who were first awarded the gold medal, stated in an interview that they were winners and deserved the gold. Many people agree – if you define “many” as “two Russian skaters and a disgraced skating judge.”

Regardless, the Russians get to keep their gold medals. What is this, the Special Freakin’ Olympics?


posted by Skeeky at 1:21 PM

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

Barry White to Put Sharks in the Mood
CNN.com - February 12, 2002
That's right. Pipe a little Barry White ballad into the tank, goes the theory, and the sharks will get it on. Can't touch that one.
posted by Skeeky at 1:22 PM

Thursday, February 07, 2002

Banker Gets the Axe
In a flight to Buenos Aires this morning, a banker from Uruguay forced his way into the cockpit, where the co-pilot hit him in the head with an axe, after which passengers and crew restrained him. The man apparently panicked when he realized that Buenos Aires is in Argentina, where bankers are about as welcome as an Enron exec at an employee retirement party.
posted by Skeeky at 9:37 AM

Wednesday, February 06, 2002

Where the Hell is Venzuela?
In congressional hearings this morning our nation’s leaders spent some time discussing whether Venzuela poses any terrorist threats. Venzuela? Is that near Argentuna? God, are we in trouble.
posted by Skeeky at 9:42 AM

Tuesday, February 05, 2002

Ken Lay Snubs Congress
CNN.com - Senate panel votes to issue subpoena for Lay - 2/5/02
Former Enron CEO Ken Lay decided not to voluntarily appear before congressional committee, so they are going to subpoena him so he can take the Fifth Amendment. This is Lay doing his impression of actor Wallace Shawn.

Inconceivable!

posted by Skeeky at 11:12 AM

Monday, February 04, 2002

Super Bowled
Last night’s Super Bowl offered much of the ususal: overwrought musical numbers; silly player interviews; TV ads; heavy-handed patriotism. But there was one unique surprise – the game was actually interesting.
posted by Skeeky at 8:57 AM

Friday, February 01, 2002

You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby.
As is tradition, during the president’s State of the Union address, one cabinet secretary was asked to stay behind to protect the chain of authority in case of attack. This year the honor went to ... oh, some gal. Because even in a 21st century race-and-gender-mixed administration, the good ol’ boys get to go to the party.
posted by Skeeky at 11:45 AM