China to Let Foreigners Build Railroads
In an effort to bring its country up to industrial speed with the western world, China has announced it will let foreign companies build and invest in railroads. The projects will enable efficient shipping of goods across the country’s vast land mass. American workers, however, will have to use picks and shovels, subject themselves to brutal stereotyping, and live in segregated areas called “Americatown.” Said a Chinese authority, “Hey, turnabout is fair play.”

posted by Skeeky at 8:52 AM

Monday, October 29, 2001

American Flag Sales Surge
With this war thing happening and the resulting heightened patriotism, sales of American flags have reached record highs. Two sidelines: First, videos of Asian workers making American flags reveal that apparently the rules for how to handle Ol’ Stars n’ Stripes don’t apply until after the flag has been packaged.

Second, even the worst of tragedies results in something good. In this case, the war has been an incredible boon to sweatshops all over Asia.

posted by Skeeky at 10:10 AM

Friday, October 26, 2001

Antiterrorist Bill is Law
President Bush today signed into law legislation that will greatly expand the government’s ability to eavesdrop, wiretap, seize property, and arrest and detain suspected terrorists. The move thus blows another hole into that Swiss cheese that used to be the 4th Amendment.

Arizona police mistakenly believed the law to be an “anti-theorist” measure, and promptly arrested all Liberal Arts majors at U of A. So far, no one has complained.
posted by Skeeky at 12:14 PM

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

The Not-So-Bright Panic
This is a NewsLicks dramatization of a real 911 call that occurred last week.

“I think I’ve been exposed to anthrax.”
“What happened?”
“I got a letter from Florida.”
“Who does it say it’s from?”
“My mother.”
“Does she live in Florida?”
“Yes.”
“Is it her handwriting?”
“Yes.”

The dispatch operator’s next statement should have been, “Well then, you’re a freakin’ idiot!”
posted by Skeeky at 10:32 AM

Friday, October 19, 2001

What’s in a Name?
In an effort to quell anti-Muslim sentiment, Pakistani leaders are changing the name of their capital city from Islamabad to Islamanotsobad.

posted by Skeeky at 11:03 AM

Thursday, October 18, 2001

Chicago Police Anthrax Scare
Hundreds of Chicago area police are being tested for anthrax after several officers were found this morning to have a white powdery substance on their hands and uniforms. The city is also testing workers at a nearby donut shop frequented by the officers.
posted by Skeeky at 9:45 AM

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

Balaban Appeal to Taliban
Actor Bob Balaban has been picked by the U.S. to negotiate with Taliban leaders. “We don’t really have a reason,” noted a top advisor. “It just sounds right to us.”

The government recently nixed a plan to send Madonna into the negotiations, realizing that a rich, powerful, outspoken, blond woman is probably not the best choice.
posted by Skeeky at 9:47 AM

Tuesday, October 16, 2001

Anthrax Investigation Dead End
As more anthrax-laced letters are discovered, authorities are stepping up their investigation, but have few leads. Investigators note that they have interviewed the owners of AnthraxGram.com, but they are not currently suspects.

posted by Skeeky at 9:36 AM

Monday, October 15, 2001

Airstrikes Continue; Munchies Abate
From CNN.com - 10/15/01
"The air campaign against terrorist targets in Afghanistan pressed into its second week Monday with strikes against the capital of Kabul, the eastern city of Jalalabad and the Taliban stronghold of Kandahar."

Mmmm .... Jalalabeans and a Kandabar. Let's go out to Afghanistan, and get ourselves a snack!
posted by Skeeky at 12:26 PM

Friday, October 12, 2001

Banal or Insipid?
Both, and then some. Check out Guillermo's new weblog: Banal or Insipid?
posted by Skeeky at 11:42 AM

Nobel Winners Make Atoms Sing
Three men have been awarded the Nobel physics prize for causing atoms to “sing in unison” and thereby discovering a new state of matter. They hope now to get the atoms to sing in harmony, start a boy band, and win a grammy.
posted by Skeeky at 9:18 AM

Thursday, October 11, 2001

Biological Attacks Thwarted
The FBI has uncovered a terrorist plot to contaminate Los Angeles’ water supply with massive amounts of the germs that cause bad breath. Apparently drawing on the “gingivitis” hysteria propagated by advertising media, the radical group hoped to cause panic in the people of L.A. The plan was destined to fail because germs don’t cause bad breath. Listerine had no comment.
posted by Skeeky at 9:15 AM

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Taliban Threaten U.S.
Taliban leaders today stated that as long as the U.S. bombs Afghanistan, U.S. citizens are not safe. They earlier characterized the air strikes as “terrorist attacks.” They seem to miss an important distinction: Terrorists don’t make appointments when they attack. The president responded, "I know you are, but what am I?"
posted by Skeeky at 9:57 AM

Tuesday, October 09, 2001

Saving Hearts and Minds in Afghanistan
The U.S. has spent the last few days dropping missiles and humanitarian aid on Afghanistan. The theory is to drop bombs on the bad guys, and food on the good guys. The reality, however, is that they all think they’re good guys. The result is a nation of irretrievably neurotic people who don’t know whether the whistle of the missile brings imminent death or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
posted by Skeeky at 11:35 AM

Friday, October 05, 2001

America’s New Chin
According to a recent survey, Americans may be flying less since the 9/11 tragedy, but they are eating more junk food, watching more TV, and having more sex. Thus, the U.S. has been transformed from a nation of gluttonous, overweight, couch potatoes into a nation of gluttonous, overweight, couch potatoes who just might get laid.
posted by Skeeky at 9:55 AM

Wednesday, October 03, 2001

I Know Kung Fu
In a moment of levity, President Bush shows he too can manipulate The Matrix, by waggling his index finger at incredible speed.

posted by Skeeky at 10:35 AM

Tuesday, October 02, 2001

Strom Thurmond Senate Scare
Senator Strom Thurmond, 98, of South Carolina suffered chest pains and felt faint on the Senate floor this morning and was taken to a local hospital by paramedics. Thurmond was reportedly bothered by the attention and waved as he was wheeled away. While the nature or cause of Thurmond’s condition is currently unknown, some Senate insiders speculate that it may be because he is very, very old.

posted by Skeeky at 10:41 AM