Tuesday, July 31, 2001

Friday, July 27, 2001

What’s in a (Corporate) Name?
A family is looking for a corporate sponsor to name their newborn son. Jason Black, the child’s father, said on CNN today that the idea was a “marketing strategy” that many could use to get extra money for a nice home for their children. His wife is hoping for “Microsoft” Black. They had better set some of their profits aside for lawyers and therapists when little “Vagisil” Black finds out what his parents did to him.

posted by Skeeky at 9:26 AM

Thursday, July 26, 2001

Navajo Code Talkers Honored
Congressional Gold Medals were awarded today to 29 Marines for their indispensable contributions to the U.S. in WWII by using the Navajo language to transmit real-time communications between command posts and troops in the field. The Japanese could not decipher the messages. The Navajo Code Talkers were brought in after a disastrous attempt at using 13 year-old girls who, unfortunately, spoke a tongue nobody could decipher.
posted by Skeeky at 1:10 PM

Wednesday, July 25, 2001

G8 Protests Revisited
Thousands and thousands of protesters from all over the world converged on the G8 Summit in Genoa last week to protest against globalization. Not one of them saw the irony in that.

Meanwhile, Bush and Blair met the press . . .

posted by Skeeky at 9:32 AM

Tuesday, July 24, 2001

Meteor ... or Something ... Falls to Earth
Across the east coast last night folks were stunned when an unknown object streaked across the sky in a cacophony of fire, smoke, and noise. While scientists speculate as to the object’s origin and size, readers of this site know it was the work of BigAssRobot, in his quest to destroy the Earth and everything on it.

If a meteor falls from the sky and destroys everything in its path, does it still make a noise?

posted by Skeeky at 10:11 AM

Monday, July 23, 2001

California Trees Dying from Sods
Throughout California’s forests, trees are dying suddenly and at a rapid rate from Sudden Oak Death Syndrome (Sods). There is no cure for the disease, which affects all types of trees. Environmental groups are raising money for little monitors to watch the trees’ vital signs, and people are advised to leave their trees in an upright position, as any other position greatly enhances the risk.
posted by Skeeky at 9:59 AM

Friday, July 20, 2001

A New Birthday Song
My wife and I wrote this new birthday song that anyone can sing. Just clap your hands and sing-song in time. Try it, it's fun!

It's your birthday what the heck,
Stick a pencil in my neck,
Kill me now!
Don't care how!
Iiiiit's your birthday!
posted by Skeeky at 4:15 PM

Thursday, July 19, 2001

Olympics Mixup Altercations Narrowly Averted
Confusion over the locations of the Firemen’s Olympics and the Special Olympics which were occurring simultaneously in San Diego resulted in weird doings yesterday as Special Olympics contestants converged on the location of the Firemen’s Olympics at Pacific Beach, competed, then partied furiously in neighborhood bars. Meanwhile, fiercely competitive firefighters held their event at a nearby school designated for the Special Olympics. Fighting quickly broke out when the firefighters got confused over the concept of “everyone’s a winner.” The fighting immediately halted, however, when the Pyromaniac-Arsonist Olympics began down the street, as well as the Policemen’s Olympics and the Petty Larcenists’ Olympics, thus giving the town an oddly weekendy feel for a Wednesday.

posted by Skeeky at 12:20 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2001

Bomb-Sniffing Dog Evacuates White House
The West Wing of the White House was evacuated last week when a Secret Service bomb-sniffing dog “took an interest” in a vehicle left parked on the north lawn. The car was later determined to belong to a visiting committee staffer. The Treasury Building was evacuated a few weeks previously when the dog took an interest in a nearby fire hydrant.

posted by Skeeky at 1:55 PM

Thursday, July 12, 2001

Indy to the Rescue!
Harrison Ford has for the second time used his helicopter to rescue a lost hiker. Following the recent rescue of a Boy Scout in Wyoming, Ford’s helicopter was shot down by Neo-Nazis, after which Ford and the Scout escaped by jumping onto a passing train which tumbled into a ravine when a trestle exploded. They caught a passing vine and skidded down a waterfall, negotiated the rapids by clinging to a trestle beam, and snuck into Laramie by clutching the axle of a truck loaded with chickens. The boy will need several stitches and a lifetime of psychological counseling.

After hearing the news, a half-dozen groupies abruptly left the Doobie Brothers tour bus and hiked into the wilderness without provisions.

posted by Skeeky at 9:42 AM

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Salvation Army: No Gays!
The Bush Administration rejected a request by the Salvation Army to exempt them and similar organizations from liability under State laws for discrimination against gays. Back to “don’t ask, don’t tell” for this Army. The organization apparently feels gay employees could jeopardize its goals of collecting and selling appliances and clothing that nobody with any sense of style would want.

Meanwhile, plaintiff’s lawyers across the country applaud the Salvation Army’s high-profile articulation of its discriminatory organizational policy. Oooops!
posted by Skeeky at 1:59 PM

Tuesday, July 10, 2001

Friendly Shampoo
Every morning I shower and stare at my shampoo, which reads on the back: "Not tested on animals." Then how do they know if it works on animals? If it ain't good enough for my dog, it ain't good enough for me.
posted by Skeeky at 5:50 PM