Thursday, June 28, 2001
Video of Squalid Home Shocking
(Idaho) Prosecutors of the mother who was arrested for criminal child neglect, sparking a five-day standoff between six of her children and authorities, showed a video of the family's ramshackle home at a preliminary hearing this morning. The video depicts rooms littered with garbage, broken furniture, rancid food, feces and maggots. Viewers of the tape have been consistently shocked. Most people have not seen such abominable squalor since college.
posted by Skeeky at 2:21 PM
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
Biotech Convention Protests Underwhelming
(San Diego) Scores of officers were enlisted to keep the peace at Bio2001 this week. However protesters, many dressed as genetically altered fruits and vegetables, were fewer than expected, leaving police melancholy and with little to do. Sour grapes? Says a city spokesperson, “We’ll continue to do our job. You know it only takes one bad apple ...”
posted by Skeeky at 9:17 AM
Wednesday, June 20, 2001
Human Cloning Coming
An international group has announced plans to clone a human, despite the controversy surrounding human cloning. The group intimated that humans may already have been cloned, which would explain why I kept passing identical groups of people on the street the other day. My wife tried to tell me I was lost.
posted by Skeeky at 9:11 AM
Monday, June 18, 2001
Rodeo Raises Questions
(Billings, MT) As the withers of the horse violently met with the cowboy’s crotch, throwing him to the ground, the announcer jibed: “That is not the recommended method for dismounting a large farm animal.” Which begs the question: Why was he mounting a large farm animal?
posted by Skeeky at 10:03 AM
Friday, June 15, 2001
Senate Report Card
Now that the Democrats have taken over the Senate, how are things going? Perfect so far. A gridlocked Senate is a wonderful Senate. The less they do, the better.
posted by Skeeky at 8:30 AM
Thursday, June 14, 2001
Massive Baby Stroller Recall
The Consumer Products Safety Commission has ordered the largest recall of baby strollers in history, citing problems with strollers collapsing, tires blowing out, and a tendency to roll over. Hundreds of babies have joined in a class action suit against the manufacturer. Ford and Firestone, neither affiliated with the stroller company, are each vigorously blaming the other for the problems.
posted by Skeeky at 9:20 AM
Wednesday, June 13, 2001
Gay Men’s Game Ends, Gaye Mends
(Fill in the story here.) __________________
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posted by Skeeky at 9:21 AM
Tuesday, June 12, 2001
Komodo Dragon Snacks on Mr. Stone
Sharon Stone’s husband Phil Bronstein’s big toe was mauled by 10-foot Komodo dragon at the L.A. Zoo. He was in the cage on a “famous people pass” and was barefoot because the zookeeper suggested his white shoes might be mistaken for a feeding rat. Apparently those lily-white toes look just like little hors d’oeuvres. Not to say he’s dumb, but now Bronstein can only count to 19.
posted by Skeeky at 9:14 AM
Monday, June 11, 2001
McDead
Tim McVeigh was executed this morning. The execution marks the federal government’s return to capital punishment after nearly 40 years, in an era where most of the free world has banned it. And, of course, the media is still talking about it, giving McVeigh what he wanted. God, you could choke on the irony.
posted by Skeeky at 5:14 PM
Friday, June 08, 2001
Ali-Frazier Bout
Who would want to see hot, buff women punching each other?
posted by Skeeky at 9:36 AM
Tuesday, June 05, 2001
Cloned Cow Kicks
“Holy Cow!” was the initial reaction. Millie, the cloned cow at University of Tennessee was found dead Monday. Scientists, who had been milking their success for kudos, were udderly amazed. Millie was a cash cow. Said researcher Bud McKracken, “These scientists are outstanding in their field, yet no one knows what put her out to pasture.” The first two American cloned cows are reportedly still kicking.
posted by Skeeky at 10:57 AM
Saturday, June 02, 2001
Fun SeeUinHell Hate Mail
Heather writes: "ur site sux i cant belive u made a site 2 kill hamsters and other things ur sooooooooo mean u suck ur a mother fucken ass hole the person that made this site!!!!!"
Skeeky responds: "Thank you. Your english, spelling, grammar, and attitude suck. See you in Hell:)"
Heather's rejoinder: "thnx i like my attude but wut kind of ass hole makes a site that kills animals i lov animals soooo i got a big problem wit ur site, ne way do u have a sn for aim if u do wut is it? and no u wont c me in hell cuz im not like that"
Skeeky can't help himself. It's that OCD thing:
"Four points:
1) Find a dictionary somewhere and look up the word "satire."
2) It's good to love animals so much. No more "Happy Meals" for you. (Animal love means not having to say McDonalds.)
3) Keep writing like that and you can be President.
4) The Internet is a public forum, and you've just been published.
Have a nice day."
posted by Skeeky at 12:55 PM
Friday, June 01, 2001
No Vacation in the “Stans”
The U.S. has warned vacationers not to visit Tajikistan this summer, claiming a danger of raiders from nearby Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan. Shareholders of the Six Flags over Tajikistan theme-park are outraged by the announcement, especially on the eve of the opening of its sister water-park, Kerplunkistan.
posted by Skeeky at 2:14 PM
