Thursday, May 31, 2001
National Spelling Bee
Excruciating, e-x-c-r-u-c-i-a-t-i-n-g, excruciating.
posted by Skeeky at 9:44 AM
Wednesday, May 30, 2001
McVeigh Execution Delay
Tim McVeigh's attorneys have indicated they will move to again delay execution date in order to review the documents recently provided by the FBI. Guinness World Records is researching elegibility requirements for the "most last meals" record.
posted by Skeeky at 3:55 PM
Thursday, May 24, 2001
Senator Jeffords Bails GOP
Longtime Republican Senator James Jeffords of Vermont has left the party in search of independence, giving Democrats control of the Senate. Jeffords says he left because like most rational people, he disagrees with almost everything President Bush has proposed. Insiders, including John McCain, note that Jeffords was bullied, insulted and threatened by party members for voting his conscious. Welcome to the Fourth Reich. Jeffords has currently posptoned plans to move to a place where his vote counts: like Chicago, Cuba, China.
posted by Skeeky at 12:59 PM
Tuesday, May 22, 2001
Possible Cell Phone Ban
A bill has been introduced in the Senate that could ban the use of cell phones while driving. Opponents of the bill are aghast at the precedent it could set. “First cell phones, then what?” cried Imelda Feingold. “My blow dryer? My laptop? Where does it end?”
posted by Skeeky at 12:23 PM
Friday, May 18, 2001
This is the Smartest Man in the U.S. Government. Sleep easy tonight.
Alan Greenspan shows via organic digital calculator how many times he's lowered interest rates this year.
posted by Skeeky at 12:40 PM
Court Just Says No to Medical Marijuana
. . . Huh? That's old news? Oh, man. Sorry. I must have nodded off.
posted by Skeeky at 11:29 AM
Thursday, May 17, 2001
Bush Unveils New Power Source
President Bush outlined his Energy Plan this morning with few surprises: build more plants, burn more coal, drill for oil in Alaska, etc. But viewers were shocked when he announced a new energy source called “Nucular Power.” While he used the term at least eight times, nobody knows what it is.
Meanwhile, Greenpeace dumped some five tons of coal on the vice president’s driveway. Not to worry - it was clean coal.
posted by Skeeky at 10:23 AM
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
FBI Explains McVeigh Gaffe
FBI Director Louis Freeh appeared before a congressional subcommittee and eloquently explained how 3,100 documents in the Oklahoma City bombing case went missing. In sum: the dog ate them.
posted by Skeeky at 10:22 AM
Tuesday, May 15, 2001
Tito Wants the Bench
Space Tourist Dennis Tito has set his sights for a new first: a seat on the United States Supreme Court. Notes Tito, "Since the election, there's no question whether the court can be bought - the only question is for how much."
posted by Skeeky at 2:41 PM
Monday, May 14, 2001
No Pot for the Sick: High Court Rules Out Medical Marijuana
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled today that there is no "medical necessity" exception to the federal law that makes distribution of marijuana illegal. The ruling comes as a blow to medical marijuana advocates and a California law stating otherwise. When asked for his reaction, one advocate paused for a long time, finally mumbling, "Dude, that sucks."
posted by Skeeky at 1:48 PM
Friday, May 11, 2001
Tim McVeigh Execution Set Back
Tickets are still available.
posted by Skeeky at 7:16 PM
Democracy-a-GoGo: House Votes to Block Payment of U.N. Dues
After the U.S. was voted off the U.N. Human Rights Committee, the House of Representatives voted to hold back payment of over $240 million in U.N. dues until the seats are reinstated. During debates, one Representative declared, “We have to show the U.N. that democracy isn’t about voting against us.”
posted by Skeeky at 9:42 AM
Wednesday, May 09, 2001
Budget Expected to Pass House
After furious debate and closed door sessions, it appears the House of Representatives will pass the first budget resolution of the Bush administration. In order to get the votes of needed Democrats, Republican Representatives both made concessions, and utilized some 19th century congressional persuasion techniques, such as lying in wait and brutally caning Democrats on the Capitol steps.
posted by Skeeky at 10:11 AM
Friday, May 04, 2001
Pioneer 10 Still Trekkin’
The Pioneer 10 space probe, launched in 1972, is now 7 billion miles from Earth and still sending back information. On the craft is a gold plaque including a diagram of our solar system and a picture of man and woman. That pretty much guarantees that an alien civilization’s first contact with mankind, whether through Pioneer, satellite, or the internet, will involve pictures of naked people.
Agent Smith of this organization comments that the plaque sends a different message than that imagined by Carl Sagan when he helped design it: “Hey, Aliens! Here’s where we live. Notice our primitive technology. Please come conquer us.”
posted by Skeeky at 12:52 PM
Wednesday, May 02, 2001
Writers Strike Averted, For Now
The Writers Guild of America and Hollywood studios passed their midnight deadline and will continue negotiations today without a strike. While a new contract draft has been substantially completed, writers are bickering whether clause IV works, the studios insist the contract is still running too long, and both sides agree it should be previewed by a test audience before releasing a final edit.
posted by Skeeky at 8:50 AM
Tuesday, May 01, 2001
May Day Brings Demonstrations
Around the world demonstrators have taken to the streets this May Day. In Berlin, violent clashes arose between left-wing Anarchists and right-wing Neo-Nazis, much to the chagrin of conservative Anarchists and moderate Neo-Nazis.
posted by Skeeky at 9:45 AM
