Monday, April 30, 2001
Bush Unveils New Master Plan
posted by Skeeky at 3:24 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2001
Temporary Dike Holds Flood Waters
(Davenport, Iowa) Actress Anne Heche and her current beau have stated they will do what they can to help until the Mississippi’s flood waters abate.
posted by Skeeky at 10:08 AM
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
Teen Injured Attempting Stunt
A teenager narrowly avoided death in a botched attempt to jump over an oncoming car to emulate the MTV show “Jackass.” Contrary to popular sentiment, teens are not getting stupider every year. It’s just harder to change the story and cover up one's idiotic behavior when it's on videotape.
posted by Skeeky at 9:34 AM
Friday, April 20, 2001
Canadians in Space!
On the current shuttle mission, astronaut Chris Hadfield will be the first Canadian in history to space-walk. NASA had to alter his spacesuit to accommodate the skates. When asked how he felt about making history, he cooly responded, “It’s no big deal, eh. I’ve driven a Zamboni.”
posted by Skeeky at 5:25 PM
Thursday, April 19, 2001
Major Merger Announced
First Union and Wachovia Bank have announced a merger that will make the new entity the fourth largest bank in the U.S. While First Union is the larger of the two, the new company will keep the Wachovia name. For current and potential customers, it’s pronounced like “walk over ya,” not “watch over ya.”
posted by Skeeky at 9:57 AM
Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Space Shuttle to Launch Despite Bad Wiring
The shuttle’s launch is still on track for Thursday following the discovery of a box in the cockpit emitting a burning electrical odor. The box has been replaced and no other problems have been found. “Besides,” noted a NASA spokesperson, “what could possibly go wrong?”
posted by Skeeky at 9:47 AM
Tuesday, April 17, 2001
Joey Ramone Dead at 49
Joey Ramone, singer for the founding fathers of punk rock, The Ramones, died this weekend following a long battle with lymphoma. He is mentioned here because of The Ramones’ important contributions to music, despite the fact that he managed to outlive any jokes about himself.
posted by Skeeky at 10:17 AM
Monday, April 16, 2001
Cincinnati Lifts Curfew
The Mayor of Cincinnati has lifted the curfew that was implemented last Thursday following violent demonstrations over racial tensions. Many residents voiced surprise that the curfew didn’t noticeably affect their lives. Apparently, except for racial profiling and rioting, there isn’t a whole lot to do.
posted by Skeeky at 10:14 AM
Saturday, April 14, 2001
Russian Coup Takes Indy Press
(Moscow) Russia’s only independent network, NTV, has been taken over in a boardroom coup that has brought protesters to the streets and allegations that the Kremlin took the network because of its criticism of government policy. The new owners of the network claim the takeover was purely a financial decision, noting, “The subversive, dissident dogs have been silenced and the greatness of Mother Russia can now be free of their lies.”
posted by Skeeky at 12:37 PM
Friday, April 13, 2001
Vice President's Health in Question
Dick Cheney's four heart attacks may not be portrayed as a serious health issue, but questions are being raised about his ability to function in office. Cheney seems more preoccupied with what he cannot eat than with his duties at hand. At a recent press conference, he gazes at his own finger and drifts away into the lost land of red meat. . . . 
posted by Skeeky at 5:59 AM
Thursday, April 12, 2001
Drunk Driving Hurts Highways
The U.S. government plans to bring the legal blood-alcohol level for drivers down to 0.08 nationwide by withholding federal highway funds from States that do not comply. While some States already have the 0.08 limit, the majority are at 0.10. Massachusetts has no limit at all, and that’s not likely to change as long as there are Kennedys in politics.
posted by Skeeky at 2:41 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2001
U.S. Says “Sorry,” Spy Plane Crew to be Released
The Chinese government has agreed to release the U.S. spy plane crew held since last week following a letter from the U.S. government saying it was “very sorry” for the loss of the Chinese pilot and that the U.S. plane crash landed on Chinese soil without permission.
The Chinese leadership seems so hung up on the word “sorry,” they don’t care that the letter doesn’t use the word in the context of the apology they demanded. Other uses of the word include: “We’re sorry you were so totally unreasonable,” and “What a sorry bunch of lunkheads.”
posted by Skeeky at 8:04 AM
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
Panty Raid: Fruit of the Loom Sues Competitor for Spying
Fruit of the Loom has filed suit against competitor Gilman Activewear for allegedly stealing trade secrets. The suit alleges that a former executive and an inside accomplice obtained projection and forecast documents to gain an edge in the market. Company lawyers declined to comment on the lawsuit, noting only, “We stand behind our briefs.” But a company spokesperson said, “They were trying to sneak a peek at our assets, and that cannot be allowed.”
The accomplice was ultimately caught with her pants down, so to speak. Surrounded by security, and apparently hiding something behind her back, she refused to voluntarily turn over the information or surrender. When asked, “What are you hiding under there?” she coldly responded, “Under where?”
posted by Skeeky at 10:07 AM
Monday, April 09, 2001
Tiger Woods Takes Four
Tiger Woods’ win at the Masters Tournament yesterday made him the first golfer in history to hold four major championship titles at the same time. As usual, Woods showed incredible resilience and calm under pressure. Following the win, he conducted himself with typical grace, style and aplomb, which prohibits him from saying what he was really thinking: Hey, all you close-minded bigots over at Club WASP! You can take this wedge and shove it . . . Damn this is an ugly jacket!
posted by Skeeky at 12:34 PM
Sunday, April 08, 2001
Don’t Dis the Queen
Queen Elizabeth’s daughter-in-law Sophie Rhys-Jones has stepped down from her post as chairperson of her public relations firm RJH. The move came after the press published disparaging comments she made about the royal family and U.K. politicians to an undercover reporter posing as an Arab Sheikh. While the move appears to be out of respect for the queen, the clear implication is that if one falls for the old “Arab Sheikh” routine, one should not be in the public relations business.
posted by Skeeky at 10:44 AM
Friday, April 06, 2001
Bush for the People
President Bush continues to rally Congress to pass his $1.6 trillion tax cut in his quest to prove he is a president for the people, not the politicians. If he can slash the budgets of a few more social programs, he just may meet his goal.
posted by Skeeky at 3:13 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2001
U.S./China Standoff Continues, Crew OK
U.S. officials were allowed yesterday to meet with the crew of the downed U.S. plane who are being held by the Chinese government. They reported that the crew members are in good condition and eating well, “although,” noted one official, “they are pretty sick of Chinese.”
U.S. and Chinese diplomats on every level are negotiating every possible angle in an attempt to resolve the crisis. One exchange today between low-level diplomats went as follows:
“Give our spy plane back.”
“No. Apologize.”
“No, you apologize.”
“I asked you first.”
“Well I asked you ... look, just give us the plane.”
“Finders, keepers.”
“Listen, you jerk ...”
“I know you are but what am I?”
“It’s our plane!”
“No-huh!”
“Yeah-huh!”
“No-huh!”
“Yeah-huh!”
posted by Skeeky at 1:31 PM
Wednesday, April 04, 2001
Black Box Recovered from Spy Plane
A Chinese source released a transcript today of the frantic moments following the mid-air collision that brought a U.S. spy plane full of sensitive data and equipment to the ground on Chinese soil. The source claims the plane’s in-flight voice recorder was recovered from a ditch near where the plane landed.
“Dude, are we high or what?”
“This is good stuff, man.”
[A loud crash is heard.]
“Hey, I think we hit something.”
“Oh, man. We can’t get caught with all this s***! We’ll be so busted!”
“Guys, lose the stash, now!”
“The toilet won’t flush any more, it’s clogged!”
“Get the window, dude! You can’t swallow all that!”
“Chuck it out the side, man, chuck it out!”
“WoooooWeeee! Attica! Attica!”
“Stop that, dude! Put your mask back on!”
“I’m cool, I’m cool.” . . . .
[End of recording.]
posted by Skeeky at 6:27 PM
Bye Bye Minorities
San Diego City Counsel banned the use of the word “minority” in city documents as a word to describe ethnic groups, noting that the term was considered disparaging. Other California leaders expressed similar sentiments, especially since the census revealed that whites no longer comprise a majority in the state.
posted by Skeeky at 11:54 AM
Tuesday, April 03, 2001
Democrats, Republicans & Babs, Oh My!
Nixon opened China, for all the west to view.
Bush will close it down again through sheer ineptitude.
GOOOOO Republicans!
Meanwhile on the Beltway, Barbara Streisand fired an angry three page missive to top Democrats that blasted President Bush as a “destructive person” and took Democrats to task for being factional in the wake of the “Republican revolution.” Democrats can rest easy knowing that Streisand is the strongest voice in the party. Rah Rah Rah! Look Babs, if you want publicity, do another “final” tour.
posted by Skeeky at 10:00 AM
Monday, April 02, 2001
Elephant Terrorizes Tourists
A truck carrying ten people through South Africa’s Kruger National Park was gored and tipped over by a angry bull elephant apparently in search of a mate. While this is the first elephant attack in the park in 10 years, locals have long told stories of a mad elephant with razor sharp tusks and a red and white striped shirt that terrorizes children in their dreams.
posted by Skeeky at 2:18 PM
Sunday, April 01, 2001
Peace Breaks Out in the Middle East
In an unprecedented move today, Israelis and Palestinians buried the hatchet, and finally came to a settlement of the long-standing war over the Gaza Strip and West Bank. Hugs and kissed to you all on this first day of April, 2001.
posted by Skeeky at 11:36 AM
