Friday, March 30, 2001
CYA, CNN
This is the opening sentence of a CNN.com story today: “Riot police have surrounded the home of former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic, sparking speculation that his arrest is imminent.” Ya think? Welcome to the ludicrous side of journalistic integrity.
posted by Skeeky at 11:48 AM
Thursday, March 29, 2001
Bush Comes to Shove
President Bush is vigorously pushing his tax plan . . . Awww crap! If you put the punchline in the title, the text is meaningless.
posted by Skeeky at 9:31 AM
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
Spago Closes
After nearly 20 years, Chef Wolfgang Puck’s Beverly Hills restaurant Spago will be closing its doors. Apparently the trendy venue has been abandoned by trendsters for even trendier eats. Now Mr. Puck will have to learn to live on the revenue from his packaged food products, books, TV appearances, endorsements . . . .
posted by Skeeky at 10:50 AM
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
Lieberman Pushes Tax Rebate
Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman has proposed a tax plan designed to spur the economy by giving taxpayers a $300 rebate. Lieberman is having trouble marshaling support for his plan, however, because despite his intelligence and influence, he still looks and sounds like the dad on “Alf.”
posted by Skeeky at 9:47 AM
Monday, March 26, 2001
Julia Takes Oscar
If you thought Julia Roberts wouldn't win the Best Actress Oscar last night, I'm taking wagers on the next Globetrotters game. An exhuberant Roberts thanked everyone she had ever met and said she loved the world -- all because of a little gold statue. Can I have your $20 million per picture then?
posted by Skeeky at 1:51 PM
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
Arrests Made in Celebrity Identity Thefts
Two Brooklyn men were arrested for an operating an elaborate internet scheme to steal the identities and financial information of hundreds of celebrities. Although they succeeded in pilfering about $100,000, they would have done better if they hadn’t gone after people like Pauly Shore and Rodney Allen Rippy.
posted by Skeeky at 12:55 PM
Monday, March 19, 2001
Only One Mama and Papa Remain
John Phillips, a founding member of the 60s group the Mamas and the Papas died at the age of 65 this Sunday. Press editors scrambled to rewrite obituaries which were originally penned in the late ‘70s and had Mr. Phillips perishing in a plane crash and drug overdose. Stunned members of the press noted that there was no way to anticipate that a ‘60s era musician would die of old age.
posted by Skeeky at 12:17 PM
Friday, March 16, 2001
India Arms Scandal Escalates
A fictitious arms deal gone bad has thrown the Indian government into turmoil. Armchair journalists armed with video revealed attempted bribery that has the country up in arms. Officials are arm-wrestling each other to assign blame, while speculation of Army involvement mounts. Settlement seems out of arm’s reach, as arms-length negotiation between warring factions may only mar any potential armistice.
posted by Skeeky at 12:01 PM
Thursday, March 15, 2001
Legionnaires' Disease Strikes
An outbreak of Legionnaires' Disease at a Ford Motor Company plant in Cleveland has resulted in its closure today. Authorities acted quickly in the wake of last month’s outbreak of Shriners’ Disease, in which auto plant workers manufactured thousands of tiny little cars before the disease could be contained.
(See, Shriners drive these little cars at parades . . . oh, never mind.)
posted by Skeeky at 10:05 AM
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
Napster Blocks Tunes - Sorta
Internet song swapping site Napster has begun blocking access to thousands of songs as a result of a recent court order. Users have been able to circumvent the blocks by misspelling song titles and using Pig-Latin. Thus, kids can now learn to be lousy spellers in two languages.
posted by Skeeky at 9:33 AM
Tuesday, March 13, 2001
Bush Insults North Koreans
North Korea cancelled high-level talks with South Korea hours before the meeting, prompting speculation by experts that statements by President Bush incited the cancellation. Experts, however, could not agree whether it was the Bush’s reference to “those megalomaniacs” or “them North Korean Peons” that was to blame.
posted by Skeeky at 2:08 PM
Monday, March 12, 2001
Taleban Destroys Buddhas
Afghanistan's ruling Islamic group, the Taleban, has carried out its edict and destroyed two giant Buddhas carved into the sandstone cliffs of Bamiyan almost 2000 years ago. The Buddhas are considered graven images "insulting to Islam," and were destroyed in order to protect the Afghani people from religious fanaticism and dogmatic philosophy.
posted by Skeeky at 12:56 PM
Friday, March 09, 2001
Explosion Rocks Chinese School
Residents of the Chinese town where an explosion killed at least 42 people say the blast was caused by fireworks which the students were forced to manufacture at school in order to supplement the underpaid teachers' incomes. The Chinese Government claims the explosion was caused by a local nicknamed "Psycho" who was probably mentally ill. Right. And he had only one arm, and walked with a limp, and he had this big scar . . .
posted by Skeeky at 1:06 PM
Thursday, March 08, 2001
TV Guide Awards Suck
The 3rd Annual TV Guide Awards aired last night hosted by Craig Kilborn. It sucked. Kilborn really sucked. More jokes died per minute than the brain cells of a glue sniffer. Even TV Guide called it a "turkey."
posted by Skeeky at 4:04 PM
Wednesday, March 07, 2001
Cheney Returns to Work
Vice President Dick Cheney returned to work after two days off to undergo angioplasty on a clogged artery. A man that smart should realize that the "fake heart attack excuse" only works a couple of times, and he has nearly four years to go. Interestingly, Mr. Cheney is one of the first Vice Presidents to actually have something to do.
posted by Skeeky at 9:40 AM
Tuesday, March 06, 2001
Nor'easter Blows
As a Nor’easter blows in over the northeast, folks on the west coast are in awe at how funny they talk out there. Notwithstanding the weirdness of “Nor’easter” itself, the Governor of Massachusetts today warned people to stay home if possible, and to help out elderly people, who may have “hot” problems. He also warned citizens to stay away from the shore. That’s not right! Stay away from the beach! The shore is something you try to get to when you’re drowning.
posted by Skeeky at 11:18 AM
Friday, March 02, 2001
Military Unveils Ray Gun
As part of its new line of non-lethal weaponry, the Military unveiled a “Ray Gun” that heats up the liquid under the victims’ skin with a microwave and “hurts ... a lot.” While agreeing in theory with non-lethal weaponry, detractors expressed doubts as to the Military’s true motives, as the weapon has “pizza” and “popcorn” settings.
The weapon as not been tested. Volunteers are sought.
posted by Skeeky at 10:04 AM
Thursday, March 01, 2001
Quakes Shake Seattle
When the 6.8 earthquake struck in the Pacific Northwest Wednesday, people poured out of buildings onto the streets of Seattle. Police exhibited their usual restraint by beating and arresting hundreds of citizens. Otherwise, the quake served to cement the legacy launched by Nirvana and Mudhoney: Seattle Rocks!
posted by Skeeky at 9:24 AM
